


(non)possibilities

by moonswinger



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, POV Second Person, Post-First War with Voldemort, Pre-Battle of Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 09:08:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20832932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonswinger/pseuds/moonswinger
Summary: remus has always loved sirius(musings after the war)





	(non)possibilities

you have to understand that it was a possibility, but never quite a possibility. there was the breath of touches like water drops drying in sun, a constant couldbemaybewhatif, but also an incessant nonevercan'tbe. he used to look sometimes, eyes flickering and lips falling into a neat line like he was thinking, he was always thinking, and there would be a sharp twist in your gut, burning.

there were days when you didn't know and you had to fist your fingers till nails dug into skin to stop your voice from screaming for reasons. those days when you wouldn't look at him and he would flash a smile, almost apologetic like he knew you knew. there were days when you knew all too well and you cursed yourself to sleep with clenched eyelids and fingers in your ear holes to muffle your moaned name from behind his curtains. those days when he wouldn't look at you and you flashed him smiles, ridden with guilt like you were sorry and you were a criminal.

and everything was forgotten once your shadows grew longer than the night, you were not afraid of the moon any more than you were afraid of dried blood and broken wands. those days were of war and feelings had no place in the heart if spells that could churn insides with a flick of the wand were written on your tongue. he still looked with half eyelids. you still looked away. it was never something you agreed upon, it wasn't something you could bring up in a casual conversation and drop it with nervous faked laughter. it wasn't easy. it only got worse when doubt crawled into each haveyougotthemilk and every illbebackinfivedays, it knotted your throat and it was never a possibility, then. it would be over soon and it would perhaps be a possibility when things would fall back into lazy afternoons with peering across books to warm grey eyes, you told yourself.

and then it collapsed.

everything slipping through your fingers and you could only stare without words at names you'd never thought to see on graves built by your hands. you were so empty, so like a dry mouth. you tried to forget memories of him, to forget his face. but every memory of him was a memory of them and you owed them too much to forget their faces. and do you see why it was never a possibility? lies had eaten into all those half lidded glances and you couldn't help laughing because somehow it all made sense, now, didn't it? it made perfect sense and you were a fool to think he had learned from mistakes. you were blind with guilt -and yes, love- to mistake his thinned lips for calculated thoughts because oh, no, sirius black never did think, heaven forbid thoughts lead to normality. no, sirius black did things unspeakable. you could only laugh, now.

but there were days when you still wished it was a possibility. those days when you wouldn't look at yourself in the mirror and the meaning of smiles was lost in dulled dragged beatings of your heart.

your only excuse for that dulled sound was a pair of green eyes on the other side of town that you'd quite possibly never see again, but it was, it was still a possibility.


End file.
